For this past week, i had been feeling miserable.
I know it sound insane, but i prefer to go work than staying at home.
It beats what i had been feeling all these while.
How am I suppose to put in words?
I will put it in a story.
Lynn is a girl juz like any normal girl.
Her life is very monotonous.
Nothing interesting had ever happened in her life.
During primary school days, she had a best friend.
But her best friend took advantage of her and they were in a heated argument which ended up them being enemies.
Her ex best friend talked behind her back and spun tales about her.
But Lynn met with 3 other girls who became her close friends.
These 3 friends unknowingly tried to impress her and each tried to be her best friend but her faith in best friend was gone.
In the end, Lynn did not choose any of thm to be her best friends.
She juz treat each of thm the same.
No special treatments.
After PSLE, they each went their separate ways but 2 of th friends turned out to be each other best friends.
Lynn tried to be jealous but in actual fact, she juz felt nothing.
She felt happy for them and relieved.
They still kept in contact up till now but Lynn never took the effort to take the iniative.
Then came Secondary school.
She went to Commonwealth Sec where she felt tuly happy.
Or so she thought.
She had a very close friend and she loved every moment spent in that year.
One day, she was diagnosed to have a spinal problem which had to be operated on.
That caused her to move school to a nearby one.
That move caused her to lose all the friends that she had made before.
Even though they promised to keep in touch but there was something missing.
The bond was no longer there.
The friends often talked about their school which she is clueless and when she tried to talked about her new school, no one paid any attention to her.
In her new school, she did make friends.
But she knew that these friends only befriended her cause she was smart.
She got brains.
Everyone respected her.
She liked a guy in her class.
But the guy unfortunately liked her close friend which she ended up persuading the friend to accept the guy.
She was the top student in the whole school.
Everyone knows her.
But everyone doesn't want to be her friend.
Everyone was scared of her.
She couldn't understand and so she put all her attention in studying and tried to be the best in her studies.
She became a model student for everyone.
At the same time, she also was heavily taken advantage of.
She knew about it. She felt hurt by it but she kept quiet.
She hoped that people would continue wanting to befriend her if she continue doing this.
She badly wanted to be accepted for who she is, not because of her brains.
Because of her medical problem, she was badly handicapped in sports.
She could not take part in any sports.
She could not take part being a camp leader.
The things that she loves to do was taken away from her juz like that.
She was never a girl who could stand still but she was forced to keep out from those things that she loved.
Her principal pressurized her during the O levels.
She pressurized herself.
She wanted to be the top student for the O levels.
She started to study very hard.
Never once had any life.
When the exams came, she grew scared.
She had jitters.
In the end, she fell down badly to the ground.
She went to a prestigious JC during the 3 months course.
There she met with people who accepted for who she was.
She loved every moment.
She cherished it.
She even had a crush in one of her classmates.
Unfortunately, good things always never stay.
Her results came and she was out from that school juz like tat.
She went to another JC where she had fun.
She met a few friends and grew close to them.
This time, she intended not to like any guys.
She wanted to go university to meet her friends in the previous JC.
She thought of a clever plan to keep out of guys.
She thought that liking a guy that cannot be reached would keep her out of falling for guys unneccessarily.
So she did.
She started to like a star named Kd.
A star whom she used to hate a lot.
She could never stand him but somehow she ended up liking him.
She thought life was going well for her.
But fate turned tables for her.
Her eagerness to go university failed.
She flopped her studies due to extreme phobia and pressure.
She saw each of her friend became successful in life.
She saw each of he friends leaving her for new ones.
She saw her life being taken away slowly.
She found a job and now she planned to go uni next year.
She wanted to gain back what she had lost.
One day, she realized that she had fallen deeply for the star.
She wanted to get out but she cant.
She knew it was stupid.
She knew it was impossible.
She knew that she need to break away from it.
But she juz cant let him go.
She let herself gets hurt time and time again for him.
One day, a couple of her friends called her and wanted to go visiting.
Lynn knew that she would be disappointed but she still agreed.
On the day itself, she waited.
She juz came back from work, not having enough rest and having stomach cramps.
But she still went to go.
They told her to meet at 2pm.
Then they told her again to meet at 2.30pm.
Finally, went she arrived, she received a message that they will be late and they will come around 3pm.
By that time, her stomach was really in pain.
She wanted to hold on for while more but she juz ould not take it.
She went home after messaging her friend that she was sick and coul not come.
The friends did not reply back.
Her mom had been asking her why she never had real friends.
She never replied coz she found it hard to explain.
She juz had to much pain to bear.
She juz could not find herself holding on to a friendship for long.
Y?
She juz have this wall around her heart that prevent ohers from getting close to her.
Once she sense someone is trying to get into her heart, she would distance herself away from that friend.
In the end, she ended up lonely.
With o one to understand her pain and sorrows.
With no one to share her happiness with.
