♥Tuesday, December 27, 2005
What i am about to write may be sensitive to others.
They may feel hurt or angry towards what i write in awhile but frankly speaking, I am just letting my feelings known.
I never want to hurt people's feelings.
So, i hope tat anyone who read this and might be hurt by it, please dont proceed further.
Haha....
Recently, on Christmas eve, I went out with a couple of my friends to kbox.
A fren of mine brought a guy fren along.
I was perfectly fine with it and doesn't feel awkward at all.
I was having a fun time singing before she and her fren came.
After they came, i felt miserable.
I agree that he is a good singer.
I also agree that he's voice is nice.
But it was not his concert or anything.
I also want to sing but i never had my share.
I only had a few songs which were always pushed back and throughout the whole time, i sat there straing at the screen.
I know that i should voice out and ask for my turn but i didnt.
Y?
Beacuse i don't want to hurt their feelings. Any way, when i sing, they are off doing their own things.
It's not that im asking for an audience for what but it's hurtful to see that u r singing alone when in fact we should be enjoying together.
I know that im a horrible singer but all i ask for is juz some respect.
I know that i cant read chinese or speak it as fluently as some people.
But i do understand them to a certain extend.
Please do not treat me like im a stupid baka.
This incident is not the first time that happen. Its happen everytime i went for kbox.
I really wonder y i even agree to go in the 1st place when i know that the same thing will happen each and everytime.
Next is my colleagues.
I brought thm cheesecakes but they never eat it.
Fine, it's ok.
But even if u dun want to eat it, plz throw it away and not leave it to rot.
I felt so hurt when i saw my cheesecake was untouch and thrown away juz like that.
Not only tat, they changed alot.
I dunnoe why but i felt like that wanted to avoid me.
They dun want to talk to me.
It's like they cant stand to be in the same place as me.
Ytd, i had a bad time.
I called up the UPS to check about their flight.
But the person is so rude.
He actually snapped at me when i juz repeated what he said.
I repeated it because i wanted to get info right.
He's not the only one who had been working all night long.
Me too.
I never had a break from the time i came to work.
Im juz so tired.
My heart is very heavy.
With my problems that i had with my parents and the problems i had with myself are more than enough to make me insane.
I need someone, anyone to hear me out.
But i know that its hard to find that person.
Till i find that person, i guess i have to bear everything alone.
♥Monday, December 19, 2005
Today is my 1st day off.
Straight after work, Kak Rohana and I went to transit area.
We went to window shop for awhile.
I bought a Bonia handbag which cost $190 for my mom.
It's her birthday and also my parents wedding anniversary.
My dad ask me to buy a purse for her too.
After tat, we went to the sport's shops and perfume shops to look around.
After tat, we went to Causeway point.
We ate Long John Silver's before i went to buy a prezzie for Lina.
I bought and custom mad a bear for her.
The bear is so cute!
And i dress the bear juz like her in leather skirt and designer shirt and pink shoes.
Hehe....
Plus, the bear also got a birth cert!
Cute right?
Haha....
Now, im only waiting to buy my own thing.
I just want that pair of nike shoes..
Juz thinking of that shoes reminds me of sumone whom i misses really very much.
Sumone whom i totally cant fall for..
♥Thursday, December 15, 2005
Last Sunday, i went to Malacca to visit my relatives.
Juz to see how they are as we got to know that they are not well.
We went home on tuesday nite.
Then, on Wednesday, i got a stomachache.
I thought it was juz stomach cramps.
So i juz went to rest and sleep coz i will have nite duty tat day.
I went to work.
As soon as i reached the workplace, i vomitted my stomach out.
It's so embarrassing!
Then i was forced to go RMG and got a day mc.
Thn, i went home
On the bus, i vomitted again.
That was the most embarrassing moment ever!
I vomitted again on the wayback to my house.
Its pure idiotic!
All that went in i vomitted out.
Thn today, i went to the doctor's again.
I gt injected and gt a referral letter to go to the hospital coz im dehydrated.
Obviously i wun go to the hospital.
Who wants?
Yucks!
But im ok now..
Hahaha....
♥Friday, December 09, 2005
Mi Jia Le Zhe Wu juz started its rerun.
Well, juz started.
It's been a few weeks actually.
Now, the episode is mainly on Kunda.
Hehehehe....
I know that the show is idiotic and meaningless.
But Kunda is so cute in that drama.
Well, if u look beyond his sissy tops and expressionless face, he's really very CUTE!!
Especially when he dance.
I could watch it again and again without ever getting bored.
I couldn't stop grinning for no reason.
I think im getting insane....
Right now, KO is about to jump down from the building.
He was stricken with grief.
His face is very pale coz he did not wear any make-up.
Then, during behind the scenes, Kunda is so cheeky!
Always trying to be such a KPO!
Laugh here, laugh there...
But thn, he looks WAY better when he laugh..
Can see his dimples!
I simply juz luv his dimples, his cute nose...
Feel like pinching them!
Hehe....
Uh Oh, i think i better stop gushing.
Coz i think the mental hospital coming after me already!
Hahaha.....
This morning, while i was preparing to go to work, I switched on the tv.
Guess what?
It was the drama and Kunda was the main actor in the episode.
In that episode, KO killed 2 people.
Well, he thought he killed but he was possessed.
It was so funny!
I mean, its not supposed to be funny but since i kind of knew how Kunda would act outside the drama, i juz find it funny to watched him get possessed.
Hahaha....
Well, he had really been my strength, my energy coz today, work was so hectic and busy!!!
♥Thursday, December 08, 2005
I am tired...
My heart is always hurting..
Tears always seems to brim on my eyes...
How do i make all these go away?
Parents are said to be the people whom u can talk to and ask advice from.
But who are you to turn to when it is your parents are the one who is hurting u?
My parents are very strict in certain ways.
They are not happy with the clothes i wore, the lifestyle i lead and what i like.
They hated all the chinese songs that i listen to, they hated the guy that i liked.
When i want to go out without wearing a tudung, my mom would nag and say hurtful words.
Why don't i want to wear tudung?
I dunnoe myself.
I juz find it too stifling..
Maybe i juz wanted to rebel?
I dunnoe...
Because of that, i m accuse to follow the chinese lifestyle.
Whatever stars wear, i will follow.
It's stupid.
Cant' i wear the clothes of my choice?
I know that its wrong to show your hair in public.
But i never show off my body.
I did all the religious thing except for clothes.
Everyday, every minute, they will remind me of my back.
My only flaw and handicapped in myself.
Because of that idiotic thing, i never had any self-confidence in myself.
I tried to forget abt it and live my life as per normal but constantly being reminded that i couldn't wear tight or body-fitting which will show my ugly back always make me self-conscious.
So what if others told me i am pretty or beautiful?
So what if people are envious of my height or my skinny body?
I am always being indirectly insulted for not being able to go to university.
My parents now placed high hopes on my youngest brother and hope that he goes to uni.
The way they remarked is too hurting.
Today, I am troubled by my work problems, whether my leave is approved or not.
So i never packed my clothes.
I juz couldn't concentrate.
There is a religious class tonight.
I was watching the drama and will prepared myself later.
Guess what?
My mom left me in huff, without even speaking to me.
I already prepared the clothes and stuff but seeing that, i decided not to go.
I know that later, she will surely nag at me, saying hurtful things over and over on what i like.
That i am becoming more like a chinese than a malay.
Another thing i am hurt is my colleagues.
I messaged them asking whether my boss is there but no one cared to reply.
I messaged them asking what they were up to last monday when i was leaving but no cared to reply.
I had thought of some thing regarding the dance item that we were suppose to perform but no one seemed to care.
I tried to talk to them but no one agreed with me.
They kept changing everything.
I really am tired trying to make suggestions coz it seems that my suggestions were always taken lightly.
They kept making up sum excuses.
I know that each of us are busy and had our problems but i juz want this idiotic thing to be done n over with.
My thought are filled with questions whether my leave is approved or not.
I may not seemed to be bothered by anything.
My expression may be misleading but in actual fact, i do care.
I may look blur, stupid or silly.
I know that people think that i am juz acting cute.
But they never think that i do haf feelings too.
They never think that i am capable enough to do things.
♥Wednesday, December 07, 2005
So long since i last wrote anything.
Actually i wanted to write a lot of things but juz dun haf time to write it or afraid of hurting sumone else's feelings.
haha..
Its pretty ironic dun u think?
A blog is suppose to be a place where u let out all ur feelings but in the end it serves no purpose.
I juz haf to bear in mind wad i wrote in fear of other's feelings.
Anyway, i haf nothing to write for now.
If i gt anything, thn i juz write...
Oh ya, i juz discovered sumthing.
Each of us muz find sumthing that will always kp our spirits high no matter wad we do or whether we r stress out.
Whatever the thing or person who can make u happy, ur day will simply look brighter whn u think of it.
As for me, my source of happiness is sumone's smile.
Juz thinking of his smile, will always make my day more optimistc.
